Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The Rules Of Engagement

I must admit, I debated for quite some time whether or not I should even write this one. Given that my blog is advertised not only on my Facebook, but also my Twitter and Skype (and my Skype consists of all my colleagues from work on my team), I had to give some serious thought about what my audience might think. And so, on that note, please be advised that this post is personal - it talks about sex, MY views on it, and to some extent my experiences. If you don't want to know about it, then stop reading now. To my mom and dad, in the event you are reading this, I am sorry if this tarnishes the image you have of me, and to all others, don't you dare judge - I have chosen to "air some dirty laundry" that I am certain you have dabbled in as well. I'm not idealistic, I am realistic.

For quite some time now I have noticed this very unfair trend whereby anytime females act in a manner that displeases males, it is labeled as typical chick behaviour. We are not allowed to want to spend 3 consecutive days with you without being clingy, if we are the slightest bit emotional, then we must be PMSing. One of my all-time favourites though is the dilemma single ladies face vis-a-vis sex. I have faced this dilemma before, and it's an interesting one.

When you are in a relationship, the fun thing about the relationship is that you have everything you need on-tap. You have love, affection, compassion, and that physical aspect better known as sex. All of the aforementioned items gel much better when paired together, but they also happen to exist independently as well. It's a damn good thing they exist independently these days - I can deal with not being loved by someone or having compassion, but honestly, after a month of no sex, I start to get really bored. Let's be honest here ladies - a vibrator will only get you so far, and when it's been your best friend for a month, it starts to get old. And that is after a month - imagine being single for a year. Longest.year.EVER. Luckily though, having sex outside a relationship is less frowned upon these days. I said less, there are still those who judge.

The problem with sex outside a relationship though is that there seems to be a common misperception from the males that we as females cannot detach sex from emotions. If we are having sex with you, it is because we want something more, because we are emotionally involved. If we aren't in a committed relationship with you and we call you twice in one week, we "must be after something more". Did you ever stop to think that we too might be after the SAME thing you are - JUST SEX? Is it so far fetched to think that maybe you did a good enough job the first time around that you have left us wanting more? I mean, I know this isn't often the case, but some of you have left such an impression that I wanted more - after all, when you come across good cake, or good coffee, you often want it again, so why would sex be any different? A good Friday-night relationship, with pre-established Rules of Engagement, is not such a bad thing - it's a non-relationship with many of the same perks a relationship has. However, the rules must be clear from the get-go, otherwise complications will arise.

First and foremost, no emotions. If this is going to work, neither party can feel anything for the other party - there cannot be anything past raw sexual attraction. If there was ever even a slight crush in the past, don't even bother - same goes if you are doing this in hopes of it resulting in a relationship. Second, though it is strictly sex, there must still be respect. This happens to be a mutual itch that you are scratching for one another - it is not grounds to treat the other person like dirt, or in any manner that might be degrading. This girl (or guy) is not easy, nor are they a slut or sleazy or skanky. Be discreet and for the love of all things holy, don't advertise it as though the person is an escort - have some class and discretion. Lastly, just because it's a purely sex deal, doesn't mean you can't set a mood every now and again. A dinner out once in awhile certainly won't break the bank, and a few drinks has been known to get things flowing nicely.

Why I am writing this? Because in the past, I have found myself in instances where I was single and free to do what (and who) I wanted. I remember one occasion in particular where a friend whom I had lusted after for months propositioned me - I thought, why not? He was the first guy to ever make me scream in bed, which means he must have been doing something right. Now maybe I'm crazy, but if a guy rocked your world like that, something tells me you would be calling back for seconds as soon as possible, no? I know I did - and he mistook me calling him back as me wanting a relationship. Sorry buddy, not so much - your brain is sexy , but it isn't what I was after. Although in retrospect, perhaps he was upset that he had not played/ used me, but rather, roles were reversed. I can imagine it might be odd for a guy to suddenly feel used, though I can't imagine why since so many have done it to women. Regardless...

My parting words? I'm single now, and I have my go-to people. You can think what you want about me and the way I choose to live out my relationships, but just because I do something you don't agree with, doesn't make it wrong. I am a strong and confident woman, and I am not going to go a year ( or more, gasp!) without sex because society doesn't agree with my views on the subject. There are far worse things happening in the world than my calling the doctor at 3am on a Friday to get my rocks off. It's just sex - everybody does it, so why is it sooooo taboo? So long as you stay safe, remain respectful, and abide by whatever pre-set rules you and your lover set forth in the beginning, there is no reason to frown upon it as though it is an outbreak of Typhoid fever. If I can respect your choice not to have a Friday-night relationship because the thought of having someone who you aren't in a relationship with touch you disgusts you, you can certainly make an effort to respect the fact that I don't have a problem with that exact situation.

-Milie B.

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